Reading Between the Lines of the Wrong Book
by LoLoGreeneVines
Summary: Orihime notices. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that she understands...
1. Chapter 1

**Author's notes: I should really have gone to bed twelve hours ago. This is not supposed to be a serious story, it's just something I happened to write when I ought to have been focusing on my Digimon story for Camp NaNoWriMo. Please do yell at me for procrastinating on principle, even if you happen to not hate the result. :)**

* * *

Orihime Inoue wasn't stupid.

She knew precisely what the world in general thought of her; that she was a world-class ditz.

Of course, Orihime knew that the joke was on the world in this case, for she knew she had an uncanny knack for reading other people, understanding what they were thinking and recognising their motivations.

This meant that she had been one of the first to realise that Uryu Ishida was acting very strangely around her.

* * *

"Orihime?"

Orihime recognised Uryu's incredulous voice at the classroom door before she even turned to look at him. "Oh, hello, Uryu!" she said brightly, brushing a cardboard circle out of her face.

"Just... why?" he asked, gesturing at her head.

Orihime smiled smugly. "I know what you're up to, Uryu!" she said in a sing-song voice, and noticed as the boy turned pale.

"I... I don't know what you mean," Uryu responded swiftly, pushing his glasses up his nose and turning away slightly.

"Silly Uryu! Of course you do," Orihime said, with the air of telling a particularly petulant toddler that one plus one does not equal three. "I've noticed," she added, grinning.

Uryu coughed slightly. "No. There is nothing to have noticed. How is your handicrafts project coming along?"

"Don't try to change the subject!" Orihime chided, forcing Uryu down into his seat. "_I_ know that you watch me in class when you think I don't see you. You sit next to me whenever you can find an excuse to. You sometimes even turn bright red around me! Imagine that!"

"Yes, imagine that indeed," Uryu said coolly. "I still don't see what this has to do with your, ah, _interesting_ headgear."

Orihime stared at Uryu in astonishment. "Well, yesterday I saw you had a particularly hungry expression when you looked at me..."

"I'm pretty certain I do not want to hear any more of this," Uryu hissed under his breath.

"... and I thought that we could still be friends if I were to wear this hat I made!"

Uryu blinked. "You've lost me."

Orihime gave a small laugh. "Well, see, the thing is that I know you're," she lowered her voice, "an _alien vampire_."

The girl took Uryu's speechlessness as her cue to keep on talking. "Obviously, I don't want you resort to cannibalism, so I thought that if I were to wear a hat with garlic on it, you wouldn't be tempted to drink my blood, and there's something about aliens and circles, right? I thought that perhaps little cardboard circles would stop your alien side from trying to... eat... me?" Orihime finally tailed off at Uryu's bewildered frown, before he burst into laughter.

"Oh, you got me, Orihime," he said, a trace of something (_was it relief?_)in his voice. "Very good. I am indeed an alien vampire. That's it. Nice deduction skills!"

"I know, right!" she giggled. "Hey, you've gone red again! Is that because you want to drink my blood?"

Uryu pushed his glasses back up his nose, covering most of his face with his hand. "Yes! That's correct! Don't worry, though, I won't drink your blood, the garlic will do its job."

"I'm so glad," Orihime said, happily, grasping Uryu's hand on his desk. "I don't know what I would do if I couldn't still be your friend!"

And with that, Orihime released his hand and turned towards the front of the class, away from Uryu, resulting in her missing the very slight look of sadness which briefly flashed across his face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's notes: Okay, so this story was originally going to be just the one chapter but I noticed that a few people had alerted it (thank you!) and I realised at work today that I could stretch the idea out a bit. And then I thought about Ichigo's and Rukia's reactions to the hat and giggled and then a couple of customers stared at me as though I were crazy (actually, they're probably correct). Anyway, YAY MORE FLUFF! :D**

**Thank you for the kind reviews, favourites and alerts. I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter! I almost certainly won't post any more after this, though. It's completed. :)**

* * *

Orihime spent the next few days wearing her hat, puzzled by the fact that while it didn't seem to do anything to stop Uryu from looking at her, it seemed to attract the attention of everybody else in her class.

Perhaps, Orihime reasoned, the myth about cloves of garlic scaring off vampires wasn't correct after all. It wasn't even beyond the realms of possibility that the presence of garlic simply attracted everybody, making the attentions of vampires seem less extreme by comparison.

_Yes,_ she thought. _That must be it! After all, everybody loves the smell of garlic, right? And I could have been wrong about the whole aliens-and-circles thing, perhaps the book said that aliens _liked_ the symmetry of circles. I don't really remember._

After three days of wearing her hat, she was approached by Rukia during lunch when the classroom was nearly empty.

"Hey, Orihime, I have to ask - what's with the hat?"

Orihime smiled at her friend. "Oh, okay, well you know how Uryu wants to eat my face?"

Ichigo suddenly cut in from across the room. "It took you _that long_ to notice? He's about as subtle as a brick to the fa..."

However, before he could finish, Rukia slammed her textbook in Ichigo's visage with all the force she could muster. "Oh, _you're_ a fine one to talk about subtlety, Ichigo!" she exclaimed in disbelief. "Go on, Orihime."

"Okay, I'm only telling you this because I know you won't spread it and I don't think Uryu would mind you knowing, but he's an alien vampire," Orihime said under her breath.

"_No,_" Ichigo interrupted loudly. "He's in l..."

"_Shut up, Ichigo_!" Rukia yelled, swiftly kicking Ichigo in the shins. Orihime watched patiently as the two broke into a brawl, hurling small objects at each other and bickering loudly, before she cleared her throat softly and the two stopped and looked at her.

"Better," Orihime said, smiling gently. "Now, I made the hat so that Uryu wouldn't be tempted to drink my blood or eat me or anything," Orihime continued serenely. "Uryu's my friend, I don't want him to become a cannibal on my part! That's what the garlic and circles are for."

At that, Ichigo just gave up and let the mirth he had been holding in escape, bursting from his mouth in peals of raucous laughter. Rukia gave him a disgusted look, before turning back to Orihime. "Okay," she said warmly, ignoring the hysterical Ichigo. "Do you think it's working?" she asked, a hint of a smile playing about her mouth.

Orihime shrugged. "I really don't know," she said, frowning slightly. "I mean, he's been watching me more than ever, but then again so has everybody else."

Rukia shrugged, the smile still adorning her face. "Well, perhaps you should ask him about that," she said vaguely.

"Good idea!" Orihime responded, reaching into her pocket and withdrawing a spool of sky-blue thread. "I needed to see Uryu anyway," she said thoughtfully. "He was complaining about not being able to find this colour the other day when he needed it."

"I'm sure he'll be pleased," Rukia said kindly, as she glanced up at the classroom door, which was opening slowly. "Actually, that looks like his silhouette. Ichigo, why don't I help you with that homework that's due in next period?"

Ichigo scowled. "Eh, I finished it last night," he said, yawning. "I probably did a better job of it than you would, anyway..."

However, before he could say any more, Rukia had seized him by the hair and dragged him, protesting, back over to the other side of the classroom, just as Uryu entered.

Orihime watched Rukia and Ichigo curiously, before turning her attention to the newcomer. "Hi, Uryu!" she said enthusiastically, frantically waving at him. Uryu turned faintly red, and behind her Orihime heard the sounds of Ichigo sniggering, and what sounded like a mild _thump_.

"Good afternoon, Orihime," Uryu said quietly, making his way over to his desk and nodding at Ichigo and Rukia in acknowledgement. "Do you mind if I sit here? It's just that I can't find anywhere peaceful to sew; Keigo Asano has taken to following me around with a compressed-air horn and I doubt he would think to look for me in a classroom," he finished, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

"No, not at all!" Orihime stated. "Actually, I have something for you, seeing as you couldn't find it yourself the other day." Uryu's eyes widened in surprise and his face turned a slightly darker hue as Orihime pulled out the spool of cotton and held it out in front of him. "You can take this! Use as much as you like, and you can give it back whenever you're done. Actually, I don't even mind if you keep it, I have another just like it at home..."

"You're too kind, Orihime," Uryu said, a slight smile hidden behind his hand as he once again pushed up his glasses. "Thank you."

Orihime felt the gazes of Ichigo and Rukia on her as she noticed Uryu leaning towards her, his face getting closer and closer to hers. Orihime widened her eyes in astonishment as she felt Uryu's lips on her cheek, lingering for a second or two before he hastily retreated, yet again pushing his glasses up his nose. Orihime let out a breath.

"It worked!" she exclaimed triumphantly, as Uryu turned away slightly, his face still hidden by his hand, and Ichigo burst into incredulous laughter yet again.

"What, you were trying to make Uryu kiss you?" he asked, and Orihime noticed Uryu's face taking on the approximate colour of a tomato.

Orihime frowned. "What are you talking about, Ichigo? Uryu didn't _kiss_ me," she explained, turning around and seeing both Ichigo and Rukia giving her a strange look. "He tried to start eating my face, and the garlic and circles stopped him before he could get any further!" She turned back to Uryu. "Right, Uryu?"

The tomato in question removed his glasses and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Right, Orihime," he said, a slight hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Oh, I give up," Rukia declared in resignation, strolling out of the classroom.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's notes: I think the moral of this story is "if Lowri ever says she has nothing more to add to a story, don't believe her". This is kind-of an epilogue-of-sorts that popped into my head. I _probably _won't write anything more here. :)**

* * *

"Orihime, don't you think it's about time you stopped wearing that hat?" Tatsuki asked, looking up from the bowl of lamb and marshmallow casserole her friend had served her.

Orihime's eyes widened. "Oh, you're right!" she said. "I don't have to wear the hat at my own flat because he's not here!"

Tatsuki raised an eyebrow. "Who's 'he'?"

"Uryu, of course!" Orihime declared. The chunk of lamb on Tatsuki's spoon fell back into her bowl.

"What does Ishida have to do with the hat?" Tatsuki asked, doubtfully, as Orihime set down her own spoon and began gesticulating wildly.

"Well, you see, I created the hat so that Uryu wouldn't become a cannibal!" she announced.

Tatsuki sighed wearily. "Okay, what's the rationale this time, Orihime?"

Orihime clapped her hands together. "Well, I saw that he was watching me a lot, and his face was red, so he must be an alien vampire who wants to eat me!"

"That's really what you came up with?" Tatsuki responded, clearly fighting the urge to roll her eyes as she gently patted her friend on the shoulder. "You know, Orihime, for somebody so bright, you can really be rather dim sometimes."

"What do you mean, Tatsuki?" Orihime asked, her face taking on a confused expression.

"Perhaps the blushing and staring means that he _likes_ you," Tatsuki said slowly. Orihime stared at her friend in surprise, before bursting into laughter.

"Oooh, he's clever," Orihime giggled, as Tatsuki started to laugh too.

"I know, he actually managed to convince you that..."

"No, no, that's not what I mean," Orihime interrupted, her brow furrowed slightly. "Of _course_ he wants you to think that he likes me, Tatsuki!"

Tatsuki's jaw dropped for a second before she could regain control of her expression. "What are you talking about?"

"It's a safeguard!" Orihime stated, as Tatsuki raised an eyebrow. "If you think he likes me, you'll work harder to keep him away from me, therefore creating another barrier preventing him from eating me!"

Tatsuki blinked, returning to her food. "Your brain really does work in a rather special way, doesn't it, Orihime?"

"Of course!" Orihime exclaimed. "I can't believe nobody else has come to the alien-vampire conclusion of their own accord!"

"Oh," Tatsuki said softly, fishing a half-melted marshmallow out of her casserole. "I can."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's notes: You know the drill. Ahem.**

**Okay, this is the point at which it starts getting ridiculous. I _honestly_ can't see myself writing any more because I can't think of any way to escalate the premise higher than this without people getting out-of-character (I think that canon!Orihime would have realised by this point) and the entire thing being silly, and this chapter's already seriously pushing it. _Heaven forbid_ that anything I write turns silly (says the girl who wrote a Harry Potter/Nyan Cat crossover fic...). Having said that, that's precisely what I thought after the third chapter, so who knows? It _could_ go on forever, but nobody wants that because this is snowballing and getting exponentially weirder, so the sheer absurdity would probably eventually break the universe.**

**Reviewers/favouriters/alerters/readers in general: thank you for your kind comments and for the time it took you to read this/click a few buttons/type some words/all three. Also, a special thank you to Amulet Misty for reviewing three of my stories in one go - I do hope my ramblings haven't broken your brain. Sometimes I think I'm dangerously close to breaking my _own_ brain, and I'm _used_ to my thought processes. :D**

**Also, Necrofriggian, yeah, you were right. Apparently I _did_ want to write more. :D**

* * *

"And so, then I thought, wouldn't it be cool if the sumo wrestler could fly? Imagine that, a great round person whizzing through the air! Wouldn't it be amazing?" Orihime grinned as she swung her head, following an imaginary flying wrestler. A clove of garlic attached to her hat hit her in the face.

"Yeah, more like an amazing safety hazard," Ichigo grumbled to nobody in particular, only to be punched by Rukia.

"That sounds like a wonderful story, Orihime," Rukia said, removing her small fist from Ichigo's face and folding her arms nonchalantly. "But wouldn't it be more amusing if the sumo wrestler had bunny ears and..."

"_Orihime_!"

The small group turned their heads to the open classroom door and saw a distracted-looking Uryu approaching them, eyes hidden behind his reflective lenses. Orihime wondered why Uryu didn't seem to be in a hurry to get an anti-glare coating on them...

"Orihime, I need to speak to you," Uryu said, hurriedly, ignoring Ichigo and Rukia and positioning himself in front of Orihime's desk, facing her.

"Oh, hi, Uryu!" Orihime enthused, smiling brightly at the fidgeting Quincy. "What did you want to talk about?"

Uryu didn't respond, choosing instead to look at Orihime for a second before reaching out and taking her hat off. Ichigo and Rukia said nothing but each took a step back, watching silently as Orihime frowned in bewilderment, the hat falling to the desk.

"Uryu..?" she began, but was interrupted by the boy speaking.

"Orihime, would you like to eat together some time?" Uryu finally asked, fidgeting with his glasses before staring at his own hands, twisting them together in knots.

Orihime giggled. "Bad Uryu!" she berated him. Uryu blinked. Or rather, it looked to Orihime as though he blinked; it was rather difficult to see behind the shiny glasses. "You just want to lure me away from everybody else so you can eat my face!"

"That's not what I meant," stammered Uryu, as Ichigo fell off his chair, literally collapsing into hysterical laughter.

"Oh, I think that's _precisely_ what you meant," Ichigo howled, clutching at his sides. Orihime watched passively as Rukia dragged Ichigo to his feet by the flaming orange hair and began violently kicking him towards the cupboard door.

"Come on, Ichigo, we have somewhere we need to be," she said, alternating words with kicks. Once Ichigo was in the cupboard, Rukia walked in, too, slamming the door behind her.

Uryu rolled his eyes. "Wrong door," he said, loudly, irritation etched across his face. "You needn't have bothered, though, by this point I really couldn't care less whether you listen or not."

Orihime's eyes widened in astonishment. "Listen to what, Uryu?"

Uryu began pacing the short distance from one desk to another. "Look, Orihime, you really need to stop thinking that I'm an alien vampire. I like you."

Orihime blinked. "But of course you do!" Uryu stopped pacing at Orihime's words, looking down at her face, eyes wide behind his glasses. "I'm your friend!" Orihime continued, and Uryu lowered his head, face hidden behind the hand which was now adjusting his glasses. "I know you also like Rukia, and Chad, and Ichigo..."

"Don't lump yourself into the same group as Ichigo!" Uryu blurted out, grabbing Orihime's shoulders and holding her at arm's length. "Please, just understand. Orihime, I _really_ like you."

Orihime blinked. "Oh. I see," she said.

Uryu's eyes widened again, hopefulness apparent in his every feature. "You do?"

"Yes," Orihime said, quietly. "In addition to being an alien vampire, you can see the future. You can see the future, and you know that one day you're going to end up eating me. And I make a really good sandwich. That's what you mean."

"_No_," Uryu responded forcibly, relinquishing his grip of Orihime's shoulders and turning around so she couldn't see his face.

"Yes!" Orihime said, playing with one of the paper circles on her desk. "It's okay, though, I know that you won't eat me for a long time; my hat will probably work for at least a few years. That means you must know what happens to me in the future! What sort of a job will I get? Will I ever get married? Will I have children?"

"I would never hurt you," Uryu said quietly after a few seconds, in a slightly strangled voice.

Rukia chose that moment to quietly open the cupboard door and slink out of the room, but Ichigo stopped for a second to stare at Uryu, who was still facing away from Orihime.

"Man, Orihime," Ichigo said in a subdued voice. "You made him _cry_," he said softly, before following Rukia out of the classroom.

"Uryu?" Orihime asked, getting up from her desk and taking a few steps until she was standing right in front of her friend. Looking closely at Uryu's face, Orihime was able to determine that he was, indeed, silently crying. When she noticed the first tear falling down his cheek, Orihime held out her arms and brought Uryu into a hug, holding him tightly as more tears fell.

"It's okay, Uryu," Orihime said quietly as the boy wrapped his own arms around her back, burying his face in her hair. "I'm your friend, you can tell me anything."

At this point, Orihime noticed that Uryu appeared by be repeating three words under his breath.

"I give up, I give up, I give up..." he whispered to himself.

Orihime smiled, comprehension dawning. "You know, that's precisely what Rukia said the other day. Hey, you should ask her on a date or something!"

Uryu made a noise like a dying animal, breaking away from Orihime's grip and running out of the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Orihime was confused.

She frowned at the book she was holding, utterly bewildered about the fact that her teacher would set such a difficult English text. Glancing up from under her tree, she spotted Uryu watching her from a distance, an indefinable expression on his face.

"Uryu!" she called, waving frantically and gesturing for him to come and sit with her, after all, it had been several days since he had been crying in the classroom and she hadn't spoken to him properly since.

The Quincy appeared to sigh before he reluctantly made his way towards her, eyes hidden by his glasses as usual. When he reached Orihime's tree, Uryu sat down next to her without a word.

"Uryu, are you okay?" Orihime asked gently. "I'm really sorry if I accidentally upset you the other day, I have no idea what it was all about, but I feel as though it was my fault somehow..."

"Don't worry about it, Orihime," Uryu replied, resignation in his voice as he picked up a leaf from the ground in front of him and tore it to pieces. "It doesn't matter."

Orihime scrutinised her friend's face, concluding that he wasn't being completely honest, but she eventually decided not to press the point. _He must have his own reasons for not wanting to talk about it_, she reasoned.

"Do you think you could help me with my English book?" Orihime said instead, gesturing towards the book in her lap. "You're so good at English, you must be able to explain to me what I'm doing wrong because what I'm reading just doesn't seem right. It makes complete sense, but it's not what the teacher described it as, so I think I must just be reading the wrong book."

Uryu finally looked at Orihime, a light frown on his face. "Which book were you told to read?"

"Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone," Orihime responded enthusiastically, eagerly showing Uryu the picture of the train on the cover.

"Ah," Uryu enthused, as his formerly downturned mouth began to quirk upwards as he took the novel from Orihime's hands. "Yes, I think the series is precisely the sort of thing you would enjoy, Orihime. It's a wonderful story about a seemingly-ordinary boy finding out that he is special and discovering his place in a completely different world full of magic. What's wrong with it?"

Orihime frowned. "No, I'm pretty certain that's not the plot. In the version _I_ read, Harry is a mental patient. He begins by murdering a man with two heads who killed his parents several years ago. Harry continues the story by making up a number of fantastic stories and acting them out with other patients in the mental hospital, and one of the teachers, Snape, brings out his paranoid side, and then it ends when Harry is judged to be too unstable for the hospital and is sent home to live with his aunt and uncle who have to lock him in a cupboard so he can't be a danger to anybody."

Uryu's jaw slowly dropped as Orihime's monologue continued, realising once she had finished that his mouth had been gaping open for at least half a minute. "Orihime," he said, gently, placing the book back in her hands. "Would you mind showing me the first page?"

Orihime flipped the book open, turning straight to the back cover.

"See, there's your problem," Uryu patiently pointed out. "You haven't been reading the wrong book, you've just been reading it backwards. English books read from left to right."

"Ohhhhhh," Orihime breathed, staring down at the book and moving her bookmark to the front of the book.

"Did you not realise that the sentences between pages were coming out garbled?" Uryu asked.

Orihime shrugged. "I just assumed I was making a mess with the translation," she said.

"It's not a problem," Uryu said kindly. "You should try again from the real beginning. The book will make much more sense to you if you read it the correct way, and you will probably gain far more enjoyment out of it this way. You might even want to read the whole series, if you like it enough. I thought the ending was perfect."

Looking up from the book, Orihime's gaze was caught by a peculiar expression in Uryu's eyes. And Orihime read.

And Orihime understood.

* * *

**Author's notes: Okay, this is the end. Really. Promise. I am 300% certain this time.**

**After re-reading what I wrote at 6am yesterday before I went to sleep, I concluded that I needed to find a definite end to this before I ended up taking this story further than it ought to go, derailing everybody and driving my favourite character well and truly over the edge in the process. (Yep, Uryu's my favourite character. I just happen to enjoy being really horrible to him. That probably speaks volumes about my personality...)_  
_**

**So, I decided to take pity on Uryu for a change and give him an happy ending for once. If this counts as an happy ending. It's the closest to closure I'm able to write, anyway, so it's up to you to decide what you think happens after that. :D**


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